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Understanding Inner Parts and Inner Conflict

By Complete Life Center editorial · Reviewed for accuracy · Clinical review pending

"Part of me wants to go, part of me doesn't" is not a figure of speech for most people — it is a fairly accurate description of how competing motives feel from the inside. Parts language is a way of naming those motives so they can be noticed instead of acted out.

A simple model

You do not need a theory to use this, but a rough one helps:

  1. Many motives, one person. Wanting safety, approval, achievement, rest and connection all at once is normal. Under stress, one motive can take over.
  2. Each part has a job. The voice that says "don't speak up" may be trying to prevent rejection. Understanding the job tends to work better than arguing with the voice.
  3. Opposites travel together. A strong drive to please often sits beside a pushed-away wish to be left alone. The Voice Dialogue model calls these primary and disowned selves.
  4. Awareness is the goal, not deletion. Most parts approaches aim for a steadier vantage point from which you can choose, not for getting rid of parts.

Recognising conflicting impulses

Signs that two parts are pulling in different directions:

  • You agree to something and immediately resent it.
  • The same procrastination returns before every important task.
  • Your self-talk switches tone sharply — encouraging one minute, contemptuous the next.
  • You react far more strongly to someone than the situation seems to warrant.11 In the Stones' model, strong reactions to others are often a clue to a disowned self.

A non-clinical journal exercise

This is a reflection exercise, not therapy. Stop if it becomes distressing.

  1. Write down one recent decision you felt torn about.
  2. Give each side a plain working name ("the planner", "the tired one").
  3. For each, write three sentences in the first person: what it wants, what it fears, what it is trying to protect you from.
  4. Read both back. Write one sentence from outside both: what do you notice?
  5. Note one small action that respects both sides.

If the exercise surfaces memories of abuse or trauma, or leaves you shaken for more than a short while, put it down and consider speaking to a licensed professional.

When self-help is not enough

Self-reflection helps with everyday ambivalence. It is not appropriate as the main response to trauma symptoms, dissociation, persistent depression, eating disorders, substance dependence or thoughts of self-harm. See Resources for Colorado and national options.

Voice Dialogue, IFS and EMDR are different things

Voice Dialogue Internal Family Systems EMDR
Origin Hal & Sidra Stone, 1970s Richard Schwartz, 1980s Francine Shapiro, late 1980s
Core idea Selves and an Aware Ego Parts around a core Self Processing distressing memories with bilateral stimulation
Typical use Personal growth, facilitation, some therapy Psychotherapy Psychotherapy, mainly for PTSD
Evidence Mostly practitioner literature Small, growing trial base Conditionally recommended for PTSD in APA's guideline

EMDR is not a parts method, although some clinicians combine approaches. The American Psychological Association's PTSD guideline lists EMDR among conditionally recommended treatments; it does not evaluate Voice Dialogue.22 APA Clinical Practice Guideline for the Treatment of PTSD, treatment summary for EMDR. Only a trained, licensed clinician should deliver EMDR.

For how parts show up between people, continue to relationship patterns.

Sources

  1. Voice Dialogue International. https://www.voicedialogue.org/
  2. IFS Institute. https://ifs-institute.com/
  3. American Psychological Association — Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, PTSD guideline. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing
  4. NCCIH — Meditation and mindfulness: what you need to know. https://www.nccih.nih.gov/health/meditation-and-mindfulness-what-you-need-to-know